In a society that prides itself on moving and changing quickly, it’s no wonder that as women, we’re expected to always be moving and changing as well. We’re bombarded by the message that to be valuable, we must be constantly improving ourselves.  Content with your career? You should be plotting your next ascent up the corporate ladder. Love your new haircut? There’s already a trendier, newer style by the time your stylist snips the shears. No matter what state of happiness we’re in, there’s often the nagging feeling that we should be striving for even more.

This feeling of discontentment grew in my own gut not too long ago. As a college student, I feel as though there are a world of opportunities available to me. When I graduate next year, I will emerge into the world ready to embrace whatever adventure awaits me. I soon realized, though, that to be ready for personal and professional success, I needed to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. Self-improvement? How fun, easy, and beneficial! I thought, and enthusiastically got to work.

A quick Google search - how to be your best self - revealed a dizzying number of suggestions.  I clicked on the first one I saw - and soon had dozens of tabs open on my laptop that all offered different and critical takes on the same topic.  After hours of reading - um, researching - I was beginning to feel a little overwhelmed. However, the over-achieving part of me was jumping up and down and shrieking, let’s try them all!, and I could do nothing but nod my head wearily in assent. After all, the more I tried to improve myself, the happier I would be, right?

Soon, my self-improvement to-do list was more extensive than my list of class assignments. I had started with wanting to improve the quality of my life in general, which meant purging my friend group of negative people, trying positive self-talk, and getting organized. That went well, so I ventured into health - that meant eight glasses of water a day, five exercise sessions a week, throwing out all the Girl Scout cookies, and om-ing my way through the day.  Once I started focusing on health, though, my attention turned to beauty. I had to buy a completely new wardrobe! I had to master winged eyeliner! I had to find a signature scent! Every day brought new ideas about how to improve myself - about how to make myself prettier, friendlier, smarter, happier - and I tried frantically to pursue them all.

After a few weeks, I lay in my completely unorganized room, my winged eyeliner smudged, my eight glasses of water replaced by eight liters of Mountain Dew. Something was very, very wrong. I was trying so desperately to improve myself, and yet things weren’t getting any better - if anything, they were getting worse. The quality of my life had decreased. My happiness and self-esteem had plummeted. I never felt satisfied - I was always looking towards the next best thing, the next fix for my life that would make everything perfect.

The over-achieving part of me was jumping up and down and shrieking, let’s try them all! and I could do nothing but nod my head wearily in assent.

It finally dawned on me that before I could seek self-improvement, I had to seek self-love. I had not wanted to improve myself to give myself love and respect. Instead, my self-esteem was so low that I thought that self-improvement was necessary to make me worthy of success and happiness. As I overwhelmed myself, I only became further mired in my own failures to keep up, which made me feel even worse. I had wanted to improve myself for all the wrong reasons, and now, I was suffering the consequences.

I’m a recovering self-improvement junkie now.  I’m learning to take things one step at a time.  Instead of starting a daily yoga routine and adopting a paleo diet and cutting out all soda, I’m focusing on making small, healthy choices. My winged eyeliner still needs work, but I can rock a maxi skirt for any occasion. I may not be the most inspiring, most effective leader, but I am a good student, a good team member, a good friend. I know my strengths, and I know my weaknesses, and I am content with them both.

I believe that everyone is entitled to be her best self and to lead the best life she can.  However, to do that, we should never lose sight of the unique and wonderful person we already are.  Self-improvement should come from a place of self-love - never self-loathing.