I unknowingly began the demise of my future career when I was nine years old and PG-13 movies were still a lofty dream.
Fast forward a countless number of Lunchables later, and my first intentional career move was when I signed up for AP World History my sophomore year of high school thinking that university recruiters would take notice of a college-credit class, so I could get into the top universities; so I could start building a network of contacts; so I could work for all of the best companies; so ultimately, I could succeed in a very allusive and competitive industry. Needless to say, as a 15-year-old girl growing up in the early 2000s, I should have been planning a Smallville premiere party and not plotting my career 12 years down the road.
Forget a five-year plan, I was creating the blueprint for my future over a decade ago. However, even while I was outlining my life as a twenty-something, I unknowingly started sabotaging my career in the fourth grade when I gave Mandy four of my five home-made chocolate chip cookies at lunch simply because she asked for them, and I didn’t have the heart to say ‘no.’ Well before my first job interview, I very innocently began my destructive career as a ‘Yes’ Woman before I was even allowed to stay home alone.
As ‘Yes’ Women we know who we are. We are the women who try and do it all. We don’t like to give up control on projects. We think nothing is below us. We want to accomplish everything personally and professionally. We get along well with coworkers. We don’t settle, and we don’t know how to say ‘no.’
We also, don’t get the big raises. We don’t negotiate our start salary. We don’t get the leads on projects. We take on way too many responsibilities. We lack confidence in the work field, and more often than not, we consistently get stuck as we trudge through the quagmire that defines our careers.
While I think women in the workplace have made tremendous advancements, it is the fundamental nature of women to try and please everyone around us, so we say ‘yes’ and pile on more work; and we say ‘yes’ and drown in more responsibilities; and we say ‘yes’ and start to loose ourselves in our jobs; and we say 'yes' until we eventually burn out.
We say 'yes' until we eventually burn out
Some of the best career advice I can give to young-adult women who are looking to advance their careers is to learn to confidently and guiltlessly say ‘no.’ I learned this very recently, when I signed for a package at work because the mailroom workers were away from their desks. Afterwards, two respected, male executives from different departments approached me saying that I should not have to sign for mail since a) it’s not my job, b) now I am responsible for the contents of the package and c) that I have to make sure it is delivered to the right recipient on top of my actual job duties. Before that moment, I hadn’t realized how many times I have very innocently acquiesced and said ‘yes’ to countless requests that I should not have. I would often feel guilty for turning down extra requests big or small, but I have since learned that my guilt was misplaced. When is the last time your boss felt guilty for not finishing a project you were supposed to complete or apologize for not replacing the paper towels in the office?
Shedding the image of a ‘Yes’ Woman also means building your confidence and standing up for yourself. The same day as the mail-room incident, a friend told me how she has taken on the responsibility of keeping the office kitchen stocked even though it isn’t a part of her job while her male counterpart dallies on Buzzfeed. It is now expected of her to take on these extra, menial responsibilities while her boss gives her male coworker more relevant and important projects. She thought she was being helpful, but in actuality, she was hurting her opportunities for career advancement. Of course in this situation you can’t ignore the un-stocked kitchen, but what you can do is approach your coworker(s) and break down the responsibilities so you both are doing an equal amount of work.
Before recently, it didn't occur to me how often men in upper management and executive level positions say ‘no.’ The people who succeed in their field didn't find success because they took on menial responsibilities outside of their job description down to signing for every FedEx package. Their success is in equal measure due to their discernment and ability to turn down and delegate tasks. We are taught that in order to thrive in a post-econolyptic 2008 world, we need to prove we can do two jobs at once, take on responsibilities across multiple departments and pick up the slack for our coworkers. In many cases, no one asks us to absorb the extra tasks --we just do. Similarly to taking on the world, piling on extracurricular job descriptions is decidedly admirable, but I suspect that some of you feel trapped and frustrated in your job because you are not getting recognition for the extra work that your boss didn't ask you to do in the first place. Success is an equal measure of 'yes' and 'no.'
Being a ‘Yes Woman’ in the workforce is setting each of us up for failure. However, of course saying ‘no’ isn’t as straightforward as we would like, but that’s life. We should always strive to be helpful outside of our job descriptions but to a limit. We should always go above and beyond for our bosses, but we should not be people pleasers to a fault. This lesson is particularly hard for women to learn and apply in their daily lives, whereas it comes more naturally for men. I believe this is because very intelligent women lack confidence in their ability to do their job more so than their (sometimes) lesser qualified male counterparts, but that is another issue us women need to work through.
I challenge you to evaluate your own professional situation, and if you find that you are a ‘Yes’ Woman, and it is holding you back in your career, use your own discernment to pinpoint areas at work where you can practice saying ‘no’ confidentially and guiltlessly. A good rule of measure is that if you feel uncomfortable saying ‘yes’ then you probably shouldn’t or if it is an unavoidable task, divide up the responsibility with another coworker. Just remember that while it is commendable to try and take on everything, it is just as important to learn when to say ‘no.’
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