From ‘in a relationship’ to ‘thing’ to ‘single’ and anything and everything in between.

Unlike most millennial women, I never really received ‘the talk’... you know, the ‘birds and the bees’, ‘when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much...’, etc., ad nauseum.  Up until I attended a sex-ed themed girl scout talk in third grade, I was pretty sure a baby just appeared when the stork dropped in.

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This is not to say that I was completely oblivious to attraction and affection throughout childhood.  After all, even Disney channel movies had the occasional blush-inducing make out sesh here and there.  But, I don’t think I really knew how couples went from married to pregnant (and definitely didn’t get that you could get pregnant without being married).  

Presumably like most young girls, I was actually sort of ashamed about the topic.  After we had the quintessential gender segregated intro to sex-ed - or as I like to call it, ‘tampons and erections’ - in my fifth grade classroom, we were all squeamish upon seeing the newly-learned-about prepubescent boys in the hallway.  I’m pretty sure my teacher even had to calm down our shrieks and giggles.  Despite my initial bashfulness surrounding sex, I was intrigued once the hormones were a-raging in late middle school.  I even remember the very first time I was ‘officially’ attracted to a boy who I was pretty sure had a crush on me - a sensation I would later understand as lust.  

So it’s not like I was completely ignorant about ‘how babies are made’ until I started engaging in such activities.  After all, my mother attempted to breach the awkwardness around the topic by treating the (what felt like a very long) twenty minute drive to my gynecologist appointments like a questionnaire about my virginity.  And, before I embarked on my journey to study abroad, she told me: ‘just don’t sleep around.’

I guess as you get older, ya’ live and ya’ learn.  My outlook on sex transformed from non-existent - through confusion, embarrassment, curiosity, and acceptance - to liberation, with little help from my sexual education.

As much as I’d like to go into a full-fledged discussion of how the sexual education system (and all it’s glorious ‘you will get AIDs the first time you have sex’ videos) faltered my interpretation of sex, this article is really about the trials and tribulations of explaining modern dating to our parents.  But, before I delve into the details of a sometimes severe generation gap us millennials face when trying to explain our opinions and expectations of sexual relationships, let me just preface by saying this: we all, of course, have unique experiences, largely depending on the generation our parents belong to and how we were raised.  As a 22-year-old woman who grew up in a fairly liberal family with 50-something year old parents, I’ll be speaking from my own observations, with no intention of belittling the backgrounds and experiences of others.

Even though I am fairly certain my mom has accepted the inevitability of my sexual endeavours and explorations, I was - and still am - quite hesitant to disclose the dirty details about my so-called ‘relationships’.  If you’ve similarly struggled to explain the modern world of dating apps and hook-up culture to your mom, keep these things in mind: 1) She probably grew up learning (even more so than us) that sex is ‘bad’ or solely reserved for marriage.  While I’m certain that not every woman in our mothers’ generations only had sex in wedlock, there was a lot more taboo and not as much female liberation surrounding sex in and out of relationships; 2) She likely just wants to protect you out of love (and maybe a dash of paranoia).  Get tested and use a condom, kids.

So, with your newfound wisdom about your mom and her opinion on your sex life (or lack thereof), let’s get started on how to explain modern dating to your mom:

Scenario #1: ‘Just friends’

Whether you’re labeling your romance as a ‘thing’, ‘fling’, ‘friends with benefits’, or ‘???’, it can be a little awkward to explain who Brad is when you run into him while accompanying your mom at the supermarket.

My advice?  It’s not the worst thing in the world to be a little evasive.  Likely, your mom doesn’t really want to hear the details just as much (or more) as you don’t want to tell them.  I wouldn’t straight-up lie, but labeling someone as your ‘friend’ can save a whole lot of awkwardness.  If she asks you directly whether you’re interested romantically, you can always say ‘I’m not sure’, ‘I haven’t figured it out yet’, or ‘we’ve been dating/ seeing each other’, depending on the situation.  I’ve found that saying you’re ‘dating’ someone can be a good way to address a not-yet-official situation without lying about it or beating around the bush.  Even if you have no intention of being in a relationship with that person, it implies that you’re more than friends.  Your mom may be surprisingly chill with such an ambivalent answer, and if she’s not...

 

Scenario #2: We’re all adults here

If your mom freaks out about the idea of you having sex, regardless of your relationship status, remind her that you’re a careful and responsible adult.  It’s likely that she’s had similar experiences ‘back in the day,’ or wanted to but wasn’t afforded the same level of sexual liberation we’ve grown up embracing.  Hopefully she respects your decisions and knows that we all have sexual needs that need to be fulfilled.

 

Scenario #3: ‘It’s complicated’

We’re probably all familiar with this one, having grown up in the changing-relationship-statuses-on-Facebook popularity wave.  As Aziz Ansari is notorious for addressing, ‘Modern Romance’ is no longer as focused on exclusivity and monogamy.  The idea of an ‘open relationship,’ or maintaining a relationship with someone while also sleeping with or seeing other people, could be a perplexing concept for our parents (depending, of course, on their own upbringing, experiences, and perceptions about sex and relationships).  Switching from 'In a Relationship' to 'It's Complicated' can be even more confusing to your parents if they know and trust your significant other.  As long as you feel comfortable with this situation, you can always tell your parents that you haven’t broken up, but just want to explore dating other people, too.  Once again, if your parents trust your decisions, they’ll acknowledge that you’re doing the best thing for yourself and your partner.

 

Scenario #4: I’m a busy bee

To your mom, the whole online dating app stuff may scream ‘stranger danger!’... and she’s not entirely delusional.  I know plenty of people, including myself, who have had tremendous success on Bumble, Tinder, etc.  But, they are - and I am - always careful.  Always meet in a public place in the daylight and, for extra caution, text or call a friend before and/or during.  Usually, I’ve found that approaching the topic of going on dates via dating apps nonchalantly (i.e. Mom: “where’d you meet him?” Me: “Bumble, as usual!”) goes pretty smoothly.  If she’s not okay with it, hear her out, but remind her that the more traditional blind dating and leaving-your-number-for-the-cute-waiter techniques aren’t all that different.  Dating apps are simply new and more efficient platforms for connection.

It’s likely she had similar experiences ‘back in the day,’ or wanted to but wasn’t afforded the same level of sexual liberation we’ve grown up embracing.

Scenario #5: Le first ‘serious’ relationship

Ok, let’s be real here, I don’t have a whole lot of expertise when it comes to the ‘official’ boyfriend-girlfriend, girlfriend-girlfriend declaration.  What I do know is this: this scenario is arguably the easiest of the aforementioned to explain.  Introduce your significant other to your parents.  Tell your mom you want to go on birth control to ease into the ‘we’re having sex now’ conversation.  Put your significant other in your profile picture... Your parents will probably get the hint.  And, if your parents are anything like mine, they’ll probably also want a verbal (or virtual) update, even if just so they can brag to their friends about how cute you and bae are together.  This whole scenario is way easier if your partner isn’t a completely new, never-before-heard-of stranger, so your parents don’t feel blindsided by your announcement.

Even among trusted friends and family members, labeling wishy-washy relationships is difficult.  Unlike in our parents’ or grandparents’ days, it’s likely that most of us don’t go on one date with someone and call it official, or formally ask someone to ‘go steady’ with us.  Especially with the world of ‘swiping right’ at our fingertips, the likelihood that we’ll casually date, and subsequently sleep with, multiple partners is ever-increasing.  At the end of the day, love is love; it comes about in different ways and doesn’t neatly fit into categories.  I know it’s often easier said than done to approach the looming relationship or sex talk with your mom, but once you do, you’ll probably both feel relieved.

 

Joanna Gaden is a recent college graduate from the University of Michigan who moved from her small town in the Detroit metro area to pursue big city living in Manhattan, NY.  Her interests include psychology, jewelry making, cats, barista-ing, and exploring the world one bite at a time.